“This Way!” yet another sign proclaimed. A seemingly endless array of signs and escalators led us down the rabbit hole, until we had finally arrived at The Everything To Do With Sex Show — and so had a rather surprising amount of elderly ladies. “You go Grandmas!” I thought. Turns out, there was a Knitting Convention in the next hall.
The first thing we noticed was how much less crowded it seemed compared to last year, which was great for us, but surprising for opening night. We immediately headed to the bar, conveniently located right next to the Main Stage, where we were able to catch the last fifteen minutes of Baci Lingerie’s: Angel’s Love Fashion Show. On the left side of the stage a pole dancing demon beckoned the models to come closer, sometimes issuing a spank or two. She hissed and spat as each girl eventually resisted her influence and gravitated towards a winged “angel” in floral-print lingerie.
The theme fell a little flat and the models seemed unenthusiastic compared to last year’s enticing Alice in Wonderland-themed show. There was nothing particularly unique about any of the pieces, and the show was much less dynamic than I had expected. Though I did appreciate how the models were much more diverse than a typical fashion show. While none were plus size by any means, there was definitely a healthy mixture of body types.
As we waited for the next show to begin, we pursued the booths for sexy, new goodies. Oddly, there were few engaging folks luring you to examine their wares. Last year an excitable and charming young woman peddling a porn site very nearly convinced me to let her tie me to a bench and test out her new vibrator on me. Only the image of my mother’s face stumbling upon the video on YouTube deterred me. This year, many vendors were indifferent and only attempted to sell products to those who asked about them.
When we got to LoveDreamer.com’s setup our hopes were renewed, however. Lights and music swirled around us as we looked around at the fantastical toys they had displayed. My companion and I hoped to find a deal on a sex swing as we had left the show empty-handed last year and sorely regretted it. Excited, I asked one of the attendants who was passing out fliers if they sold any swings. She stared blankly at me and replied, “Umm.. I’m not really sure what’s here. Maybe ask the cashier?” then she smiled and reverted to her presumed role as a living mannequin. We took this as our queue to return to the Main Stage.
Assassin, in all his rippling glory, took the stage next. Hopefully an army of men with mops were on call for this one because every straight woman and gay man in the audience was reduced to a sweaty, stammering mess. Cooing and cat-calls emerged from the crowd as Assassin performed his sensual strip tease, inviting one lucky woman in the front row to run her hands down his delicious dark chocolate abs. The dance culminated in a surprisingly sexy imitation of self-pleasure using what I can only assume was a strategically placed prop. Luckily there were plenty of vendors selling dry panties.
For the benefit of my companion, and my hopes of getting laid later that evening, I decided we should skip the next show (another male dancer, Jeff Adore) and do a few laps of the exhibits — there was certainly a lot to see! Most of them were familiar products from Seduction, but there were a few new things to discover as well.
An enormous selection of glass bongs caught my eye, and it took me a few moments of staring at one peculiar design to realise that, somewhere along the line, the bongs had turned to dongs, and I was really staring at double-pronged glass dildos. Still, impressive.
Another great find was the Tenga exhibit, displaying their innovative line of self-masturbators for men, including one particularly fascinating model called the Flip-Hole which had a fantastic texture and was even machine washable! Right next door we got up close and personal with the Fuck Me Silly Mega Masterbator, the realistic masturbation aid from Pipedream Extreme, which is effectively a cyberskin torso (we carry these at Seduction as well, but for obvious reasons we aren’t allowed to play with them!).
We once again returned to the Main Stage to catch the lovely Roxi D’Lite. To my disappointment, David Curran was closing his hypnosis show when we arrived. My disappointment quickly turned to relief, however, as the glaringly fake finale featured David inducing orgasms with a handshake. Particularly when he reached the lingerie-clad brunette who’s pornographic “orgasm” made it obvious she was not chosen at random. In his defense though, I only caught the end. The show may have been believable up until that point (though the reviews say otherwise).
Our patience was rewarded when the Queen of Burlesque emerged from behind a curtain and began a slow, sensuous dance that truly seemed to have a hypnotic effect on the crowd. She was a hard act to follow, but the vivacious ladies of Urbanesque did a phenomenal job with an electric performance of Christina Aguilera’s Burlesque.
Other highlights of the evening included indulging in a delectable fondue penis (a banana with a strawberry attached to the top, dipped in melted chocolate), watching the high-energy girls of Toronto Roller Derby race around a faux-rink, meeting pornstar Lexi Belle (*swoon*) and Naked News anchor, Naked Toni (who was actually naked!). I also got to partake in a hot wax demonstration which resulted in the purchase of several candles (and much fun later in the evening!)
All in all, we had a great time and look forward to more nights like this to come. By the way, we did manage to find that swing!
Photos by Jesse Milns